I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
