The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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