just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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