one might say we're banned from that church
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
PANTIES FOUND
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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