I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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