im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I need to sanitize my soul.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
