one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
