Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
