moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
