Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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