i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
