I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
