there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
