Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
