Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
