I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize