Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Come share oat with me in your robe
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
