Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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