Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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