i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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