Whod you bang
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
