you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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