Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
