Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
