Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
