If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
