she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
