so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
