she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
