Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
