Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
