When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
