Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just invented taco cereal.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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