I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize