Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
