i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
