Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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