I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
