You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
