do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
