you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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