Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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