you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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