textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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