You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
