if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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