Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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