Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
