if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize