Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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