billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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