I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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