After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
