ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
