***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
