my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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