Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
