and my herpes radar will keep us safe
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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