so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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