Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
