I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
