a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
