i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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