Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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