i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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