just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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