There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My ass is underappreciated
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize