i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
